We just had baby number 2! Blade Tuasivitasi-Kenese Vailu’u Tyson was born 1/12/2023 at 8:05am 7lbs 2oz and 20 inches… and D’Amato’s twin.
You’d think, being my second C-section, I’d have been a little more mentally prepared, but I went in there every bit as anxious as the first time at the thought of being cut open on the other side of that drape.
This pregnancy was so different from my first. I wasn’t obsessed with every milestone; I didn’t track his growth like a maniac. I wasn’t a psycho about my supplements, what I ate or any of that. Early In my second trimester I was diagnosed with Cholestasis and Preeclampsia. They stuck me on bed rest with a whole 18 weeks to go. I was stretched so thin over my expanding life. Between my health, my baby’s health, having a teething toddler who somehow caught every virus to pass on a breeze over the 9 months, and launching 2 businesses, I didn’t get to enjoy it this time around. I spent most of my pregnancy trying to just keep Blade and myself alive. I don’t remember touching my belly and talking to him, bonding the way I did when I was pregnant with Banx. My illness and mounding responsibilities kept me in the mindset of “let’s just get through this, Buddy.” Nevertheless, we were excited to meet Blade.
I’m about a week in and I am absolutely in love with Blade. So in love. But I’ve also found a lot of sadness, which I didn’t expect. On Thursday morning before we left for the hospital to have Blade, I kissed Banx goodbye a couple times. Snuggled him, and we left! When we walked back into the house with Blade, and Banx was a full-on-kid. His hands were bigger. His feet were bigger. He knew more words. I just felt like in the 3 days we were gone, Banx grew up so much. And after so many teeny-tiny diaper changes, constant nursing and obsessing over a newborn, I feel a distance from Banx, like he needs me less, and I hate it. It made me miss my old life, my life just a week ago. I found myself wishing I’d held onto Banxs a bit longer, wishing I’d given him more of myself. Enter GUILT. Guilt for robbing Banx of his time with me, of being “the baby.” Guilt for knowing it’s because I have Blade and guilt for not being euphorically happy with all I have. I can’t help it. I don’t doubt that I love Blade with every shred of motherhood, and I wouldn’t change it if I could, but it’s so hard not to feel the guilt of wishing I had what I had before, even though I now have everything I prayed so hard for. I just know that life from before, I figured it out enough to get by and find my strengths in it. I hadn’t quite figured out how to navigate my weaknesses and now there are new ones! I feel like I’m back to square one on a whole new playing board, I don’t know the rules and I just rolled the dice.
I definitely feel a connection to Blade, that’s not it. And I’m so excited to make new memories with him and as a family of 4. Watching Banx be a big brother is priceless and watching D share his heart with two of our babies is something I’ll never stop swooning over. I know logically, I’ll get over these blues and I’ll be so into the groove that I won’t even remember life before Blade.
I’m not there now, and I can’t fathom the strength I have to muster to figure out how this new life works, but I know it will. Even from this funk, I can at least look forward to those happy days and I’m trying to soak in every emotion and every memory I’ll have with baby Blade and my new big brother Banx.
To all the Mamas with the baby blues, it’s okay to look back… but just know you didn’t miss a thing! It’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to feel guilty. You can’t pretend you don’t feel these things, so embrace them along with the good things, own them, and know that they’ll fall off as new memories and new love crowd them out. And because I know there’s no magic words – happier times are around the corner. Pray lots. Hold your babies tight. Cry when you need to. Remember, the days are long but the years are short.