Body Dysmorphia
I have struggled with my body image most of my life. I’ve always been bigger than most girls. I’m 5’9” and half Samoan, so I’m not looking to be a size 2. I was a D1 athlete, had knee surgery, and just never recovered enough to keep playing at a competitive level, and that’s the body chasing me around in my head. It’s what I know I’m capable of, so I can’t ditch the expectation of myself. My weight constantly fluctuates, because of my PCOS so bouncing 20lbs here and there is normal to me and makes for some interesting highs and lows up in my headspace.
Pregnancy kicked my ass in so many ways. Any undesirable side effect you could possibly get while pregnant set up camp on my face. Acne, like- ‘kid selling you pizza at the skating rink’- acne. Swelling, In. My. Nose. (What does that even have to do with pregnancy, I’m still calling Bullshit on that one) Redness, dryness. So everything going on above the neck, was just extra stank on my issue with weight gain. People talk about how beautiful the process is and how excited they are to be growing a human and I am like… “Dude, do what you gotta do, but can you please leave this body the way you found it.” lol. I didn’t hate my pregnant body. I loved my belly and was fascinated with changes, but I knew, after the magic, those changes would leave a mess that my head would be stuck cleaning up.
And now we are here. 5 months postpartum. 5 months post cesarean. Let me tell you… IT IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. It’s rough over here in my head! And that boy left a mess. I don’t recognize this body. It housed my beautiful baby boy for 9 months, and provides all of his nutrients now. Yet, I still can’t give myself enough grace. Gone are the days of hoping for that D1 Athlete body, I just want to look human again! Every day I tell myself I am going to work out, diet, start a new regimen… and everyday life catches up to me. Hormones get to me. I get the blues. I am in the middle of this so I don’t have the best advice BUT I wouldn’t mind someone telling me… “You are not your body. Love your body enough to give it a chance. Love your body enough to not destroy it. Take your time.” I know these words are true, I do. I’d say them to anyone I love, and mean it, but I just can’t make them stick to myself and I can’t make a productive change. I can’t get far enough out of my head to map out a plan.
Sooo, I don’t have any answers, but I hope my words make someone feel less alone and a sense of normalcy. I know for a fact, I’m not the only one who lives in their head like this. I’ll detail my amazing transformation and healing plan as soon as I get one! I promise. For now, I’m just going to push through, hustle with my sister, parent with my Fiance, and add to my story.