I come from a massive family and each of my siblings has had a bundle of children of their own. All of my sisters have given birth naturally so, I assumed that would be my story as well. Of all the pregnancy/labor anxieties and “what if’s” I had, (and there were a lot) not once did I think my birthing experience would include a cesarean.
I went to labor and delivery probably 2-3x during my pregnancy for a UTI, cramping, and false labor… (you know all the little things that seem super serious for your first pregnancy). Every time I went in, the on call OB did a cervix check. And like clockwork, they always had some colorful and witty way to complain about how difficult it was to get to my cervix. I figured it’s because it was my first baby, maybe I just hadn’t widened out enough yet. Nothing too serious.
At my 34 week check-up, my OB did an exam and mentioned it was difficult to get to my cervix. “How weird,” I said. “The two doctors I saw in labor and delivery said the same thing!” She nodded though another examination, got the ultrasound involved, then turned on the lights and we had a conversation. She explained, unless I go into labor in the next couple weeks, Banx would be too big for me to safely have a natural birth and we needed to schedule a C-section for 38 weeks. OBVIOUSLY, I wanted the safest thing for me and Banx but I was devastated and even more unprepared.
I think I was actually less frustrated with the news of having to have the C-section, than I was with some of the reactions I got from the people I vented to. I’m sure all the mamas out there can relate. Everyone I talked to became some sort of instant doula that knew how to magically widen my pelvic bones. Or they couldn’t help but vomit the words “at least you’ll be safe and healthy”… NO SHIT, and so-not-helpful.
Brand new anxieties bubbled up with so little time to sort out. I had been worried about pooping on the table and ripping from cooter to hooter. Nope, I switched those out for stuff like, “I’m about to be gutted like a fish WHILE I’M AWAKE… AWAKE.” That was a big one for me. I could not understand how I’d be awake while they get through all those layers, and pull Banx out, without feeling it! I needed more than a few weeks to sort that out.
Then there is all the fun stuff I looked forward to with a natural birth that wouldn’t be part of my birth story. The anticipation about the due date and the birth date. The excitement behind not knowing when I’d go into labor or even my water breaking. Having a scheduled C-section is a different anticipation because you have a date and actual countdown and you’re just like “I’m having my baby on Tuesday at 10am, might as well fill out the birth certificate at my next OB appointment.” … At the time, it just seemed so detached from the experience I had planned.
I just needed to vent and process my frustration and anger. I had spent so much time and energy preparing mentally and physically for a natural birth. I imagined pushing and working for it. I psyched myself up with a meditation plan to push through the pain. I read about the release of all the amazing hormones, and the rush of motherly bad-assery that comes with those fancy all-natural births. Mine was going to be amazing! Imagine preparing for a two-week vacation in the Bahamas, packing all your favorite sandals and sundresses, working on your tan, dieting and exercising to fit into those string bikinis, for 34 weeks. You’re all packed and loaded on the plane when the pilot chimes in, “Uhhh, sorry folks, looks like we’re headed to Alaska, and you’ll be there for a good 6 to 12 weeks.”
Getting slapped with a new, unchangeable reality sucks! I felt robbed by something I couldn’t be mad at. I didn’t want a magic pelvic trick or obvious, well-meaning words. I wanted to mourn my lost birth plan! Yeah, it’s still a vacation in Alaska, but I spent 34 weeks preparing for the Bahamas! To spare you all from a lengthy, angry rant (yeah, there’s more) I’ll just say this… be mindful of how you approach these situations with expecting moms. We are told to prep prep prep and prep some more. There’s an actual biological pull to want to be prepared for labor and delivery. In order to keep your sanity, you prepare for the “unpredictable”, which for me, was stuff like… what if my OB isn’t available and what if I die!? lol. I only thought about a C-section as a last resort in the face of life or death, so it wasn’t something to plan for. In all my meticulous birth planning, pain management, bag packing, playlists, breathing technique training and birthing position research, I missed the whole C-section scenario. So for the mamas, it’s okay to be upset when your birth doesn’t go as planned. And for the friends & fam, shut up, listen, and ask how you can be there for them while they find a new way to prep for baby. (Prepared meals help, she’ll be down for a while)
The night before our scheduled birth, D’amato and I had our last date night before we became a family of 3! It will always be the most surreal date of our lives. We went home; we set alarms, and we loaded the car and got ready to go have a baby! It was the strangest thing, driving to labor and delivery feeling like my body wasn’t ready to push a baby. The anticipation wasn’t quite the same as I imagined, but it was there and I’ll never forget it. My earlier frustration didn’t take away from my birth experience, I needed to feel it; it’s part of my story. In the end, the birth of my son was pure magic and I look forward to the next one, C-section and all.